There was a time, let’s call it my “please like me” era, when I believed that if people just knew my side of the story, they’d get it. They’d understand the choices I made, the reasons I walked away, the tears behind the smile. I used to lie awake crafting entire monologues in my head, how I’d explain it all, with just the right balance of vulnerability, wit and a touch of sass. Surely then they’d see I wasn’t the villain in someone else’s bedtime gossip?
But here’s the truth I had to learn the HARD (and heartbreakingly LIBERATING) way: YOU DON’T OWE anyone your side of the story.
Not your ex’s family. Not your old friends who ghosted when things got messy. Not the mutual acquaintances giving you awkward looks in M&S. NO ONE.
Because you’ve got NOTHING to PROVE.
And bloody hell, that took me YEARS to learn.
The Need to Be Understood (And Why It’s Exhausting)
It started during one of the hardest chapters of my life, the kind where everything around you feels like it’s collapsing and you’re clutching at straws just to stay upright.
I remember thinking, “If people just knew what I was going through, maybe they’d stop judging.” I wanted everyone to see the STRENGTH it took to hold things together, to keep SMILING when my world was FALLING apart. I wanted them to understand that the choices I made weren’t RECKLESS, they were NECESSARY for my SURVIVAL.
But instead of PEACE, explaining myself became another EXHAUSTING task. One that didn’t bring relief, just more OVERTHINKING, ANXIETY, and the FEAR of being misunderstood.
The more I tried to convince people I was doing my best, the more DISCONNECTED I became from MYSELF. I was handing my POWER to PEOPLE who didn’t really know me, or had already decided what they wanted to BELIEVE.
The Gossip Train Never Waits for Permission
If you’ve ever been at the CENTRE of a FALLOUT, a divorce, or even just decided to change your life in a way that upset the STATUS QUO, you’ll know: people will TALK. They will fill in the BLANKS with WILD theories, childhood WOUNDS, and misplaced GUILT.
When I moved back to the UK after 22 years in Canada, I hoped for a clean slate. Instead, I got ghosted, judged, and questioned. Not by strangers, but by people I’d once held space for in my HEART. People who didn’t ask, “Are you okay?” They just made ASSUMPTIONS.
- “She left her whole life BEHIND, must’ve been something DRAMATIC.”
- “She took her son and ran. Wonder what really HAPPENED?”
- “MIDLIFE CRISIS maybe?” (Honestly, if this is a crisis, give me more. I’ve never felt more ALIVE.)
But here’s the kicker I’ve learnt after years of therapy, journaling, and uncomfortable growth:
What people think of you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how they’re feeling about themselves.
- Their JUDGEMENTS? Projections.
- Their WHISPERS? Insecurities.
- Their DISTANCE? Often a mirror of their own FEAR, REGRET, SHAME or GUILT.
- So let them TALK.
- I had the GUTS to do what was RIGHT for ME.
- They DIDN’T.
- And that’s NOT arrogance, it’s TRUTH.
- Most people stay in situations that are slowly killing their spirit because they’re too AFRAID to face the UNKNOWN.
- I STEPPED into the unknown carrying a suitcase of HOPE and a HELL of a lot of GRIT.
- If that THREATENS their COMFORT ZONE, well… maybe it’s time they UNPACKED that, not me.
The Freedom of Not Explaining
There is an unparalleled joy in getting to the point where you just... DON'T CARE ANYMORE
Not in the cold, heartless way but in the warm, “I’m finally putting myself first” kind of way.
I remember walking on the beach with Samosa in Port Dalhousie one autumn morning after a particularly rough therapy session. I’d just had a breakthrough (you know the type, where you cry like your eyeballs are melting) and I remember thinking: It’s okay if they never know.
"It’s okay if all they ever see is the polished version, or worse, a twisted story someone else made-up using bits and pieces of the truth."
For a long time, I genuinely thought the only way I could prove I was right in my decisions whether it was walking away, choosing PEACE, or REBUILDING from SCRATCH was to EXPLAIN. To SHOUT from the ROOFTOPS:
“Look! I’m not the bad guy! Here’s all the stuff you don’t see!”
I believed that if I could just tell everyone, then the awful things people said wouldn’t stick.
Their gossip would dissolve in the light of truth.
But now? I honestly couldn’t care less.
- Let them TALK. Let them SPECULATE. Let them NEED a VILLIAN to sleep better at night.
- Because they never had the COURAGE to do what I did.
- They never made the hard CHOICE
- They never looked in the MIRROR and thought, “This isn’t working, and I need to change something.”
- So no, I don’t need to PROVE anything to them ANYMORE
- The only person I needed to PROVE it to… was ME. And I DID.
Real Talk: People Only Understand From Their Level of Awareness
You could explain your heart out, and they’ll still only hear what confirms their bias.
You could send them receipts, timelines, even a colour-coded slideshow and they’ll squint, shrug, and say, “Yeah but...”
At some point, you realise that proving your innocence or intention is just another LOOP in the TRAUMA CYCLE. A way of DELAYING your own GROWTH while BEGGING for VALIDATION you may NEVER get.
As I wrote in my blog about returning to the UK:
"They want a three-year paper trail. I’ve got a 22-year one laced with GRIT, SWEAT, and SURVIVAL, but nope. Not good enough.”
Same applies to LIFE, not just the bloody job market.
When Silence Becomes Your Superpower
(There is a whole blog I wrote about this)
There’s something fierce and magnetic about a person who doesn’t ENGAGE in DRAMA. Who chooses PEACE over PETTY.
I used to want to BURN bridges with handwritten NOTES attached explaining why. Now? I don’t even light the match.
The SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES.
It says:
- “I CHOOSE myself.”
- “I don’t need your PERMISSION to HEAL.”
- “I’m NOT going to DROWN trying to swim in your misunderstanding.”
- And on the days, it stings a bit because we’re human and it I remind myself that PEACE is BETTER than being “RIGHT.”
- Because your SILENCE is not WEAKNESS.
- It’s PROOF you’ve MOVED on.
- And the people who still need to DISSECT your story from a safe distance? They HAVEN’T.
- Let them stay STUCK.
- You’re busy BUILDING a new life, one BRAVE decision at a TIME.
You Don’t Have to Be the Bigger Person (But You Can Be the Freer One)
- People say, “Be the bigger person.” And sometimes, yeah sure, don’t stoop.
- But you know what’s better than being the bigger person?
- Being the FREER one.
- Free from the COMPULSION to control the narrative.
- Free from the urge to reply to every RUMOUR
- Free from the illusion that someone else’s OPINION defines your WORTH.
- Because it DOESN’T.
- You didn’t need their UNDERSTANDING.
- You needed your PEACE.
- And now you HAVE it.
Journal Prompts
- What would you say if you knew no one would interrupt, argue, or twist your words?
Write it out. Then burn it, shred it, or keep it but know you never had to explain in the first place. - What have you reclaimed by choosing peace over proving a point?
List the ways your silence has protected or empowered you.
Final Thoughts
If you’re in a chapter of your life where you're still DESPERATE to be UNDERSTOOD, I SEE YOU. I WAS you.
But if you’re inching closer to the PEACE that comes from saying, “I don’t need them to get it,” then welcome to the softest rebellion you’ll ever experience.
Let them TALK.
Let them MISUNDERSTAND.
Let them BELIEVE whatever suits their bedtime STORIES.
YOU
You’ve got a LIFE to LIVE, and it’s bloody BRILLIANT.
