If you're feeling like happiness is always one step ahead of you, dancing just out of reach, there might be a sneaky reason behind it.
Believe it or not, we've all got this sneaky habit of depriving ourselves of the good stuff, like we're hoarding diamonds in the rough!
For most of my adolescence and over a decade of my adult life, I wore labels like “independent, fun, easy-going, and party girl” like a badge of honour. Oh, and trust me, people loved to slap those labels on me, often with a side of condescension and judgement. Little did they know, I took it as a compliment.
Yeah, I was a blast to be around, and some guys thought I was easy pickings. Joke’s on them because I’ve never had a one-night stand or a holiday fling. Deep down, I was fragile like a glass slipper and insecure, constantly craving male attention to reassure me that I was beautiful. Turns out, those insecurities were the result of rejection, abandonment, and childhood trauma.
Growing up, I was constantly told I was too dark and not beautiful. In Indian culture, fair skin is practically a superpower, no matter how ugly your personality might be. This left me with a boatload of insecurities, always needing validation that I was beautiful, worthy, and good enough. I treated myself like the ugly duckling, always on the hunt for flaws.
Fast forward to today: I know I'm simply fabulous, beautiful, gorgeous, and stunning. But it took me until my 50s to learn that.
I always tell my clients: "Treat yourself the way you would your bestie." When the penny drops and the light bulbs go off, they realise they've been treating themselves like crap. When you treat yourself like crap, other people follow your example and do the same! Is this making sense now?
I used to deprive myself of things that might make me happy and whole, numbing myself with stuff that made me feel even worse. Instead of expressing my feelings about things that hurt me, I tried to drown them in too much partying four days out of the week. This meant, I just had enough sleep to get up the next day to either go to work or Uni depending which era of my life we're talking about. Something was always missing, and I didn’t figure it out until much later: I NEEDED TO LOVE MYSELF! If you don't love yourself, how do you expect others to?
Instead of being authentic and pursuing relationships with trustworthy people, I shapeshifted, chasing one emotionally unavailable person after another—repeating a humiliating cycle of rejection and neglect. It was painful yet familiar.
I ignored my physical needs, pushing myself to work when I needed a break—trying to achieve something big enough to feel worthy of love. Or forcing myself to exercise when I needed rest, afraid of putting on a pound to attract the same abuse I endured as a bullied kid.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but eventually, I realised I was so needy because I didn’t value my own needs—I was looking for someone else to do it. Ultimate disempowerment right there. I was a fragile shell, desperately hoping someone would fill me up and convince me I deserved it. I married someone who gave me attention, despite the red flags.
I felt like it was the best I could do. Don’t get me wrong, there were lots of good times, but being unhappy was definitely a major issue for me.
The hard truth? No one else can be responsible for meeting all our needs. Most people who try (and fail) are dealing with their own wounds—fulfilling some saviour complex from their childhood trauma. Been there, done that.
If we want to feel happy, worthy, and loved, we have to take responsibility for meeting those needs ourselves. We have to love ourselves.
Our thoughts create our future. Treat yourself badly, and guess what? Everyone else will too. Treat yourself like your bestie, and you'll attract more of that. Our thoughts are powerful. I wrote this blog about How Negative Self-Talk Holds You Back and it's a great read because I explain how every single thought you have affects every single aspect in your life
I was never happy in any job except the real estate position I had for 12 years in London (England). It was a small company and we were family and to this day, I still in keep in touch with them.
If you relate to any part of my story, you might also struggle with recognising and honouring your needs. And it likely affects more than just your relationships.
It could show up as deteriorating mental or physical health, professional burnout, or a sense of emptiness if you ignore that inner voice telling you you’re unfulfilled.
The first step to changing all that is recognising you're devaluing and deprioritising your needs. Do some soul-searching to understand why.
When we understand the conditioning and beliefs that shaped us, we can work on internal healing that leads to major external change.
I'm still healing my deepest core wounds, and that journey may take years. It's a lifetime of self-abuse I'm undoing. I built my foundation on trauma, and now I'm rebuilding with self-love. Self-love that started as a tiny seed and eventually grew. I look in the mirror every day and say “I love you.” It’s a powerful statement. I smile while brushing my teeth and pamper myself with lotions and creams. This sets the tone for my day!
Not sure why you ignore your needs? Here are a few clues based on my experience.
6 Reasons We Ignore Our Needs
You grew up watching your mom put herself last.
If your parents or caregivers constantly neglected themselves to please others, you might have learned it’s selfish or wrong to put yourself first. Patterns of self-neglect get passed down until someone says, “No more.”
You learned your needs aren’t important.
If your needs were ignored or neglected growing up, you might think you’re not worthy of having them met. My parents were busy raising and then marrying off my dad’s younger siblings, leaving my brother and I neglected. Instead, it became my job to change nappies for the newborns (younger cousins). I used to hate every minute of it. My mum and aunt would go out and leave me with the babies and kids. I love them all dearly but when you're just a kid yourself, you feel you're missing out on things because at the age of 6 and 7 I was changing diapers and left in charge!
You think having needs is wrong or weak.
Maybe someone ingrained this belief in you by invalidating your feelings or shaming you for asking for help. But there’s a difference between having needs and being needy. Recognising your needs means you’re not dependent on others to meet them.
You believe prioritising yourself is unsafe.
If you were hurt, judged, or abandoned for trying to honour your needs, you might fear it could happen again. But losing anyone who devalues you is actually a win.
You think you need to earn good things.
In our achievement-focused culture, it’s easy to feel you’re not good enough if you haven’t accomplished something impressive. I used to think everything would get better if I just made a mark to get approval. It never happened.
You’re in survival mode.
Chronic stress, trauma, grief, or burnout can leave you just trying to get through the day. I experienced this while struggling with depression, and then as a sleep-deprived new mum.
If any of this resonates with you, you’ve got a starting point for change.
The Next Step
Regularly check in with yourself and ask:
- What do I need right now—physically, mentally, and/or emotionally—to feel and be my best?
- What false beliefs do I need to challenge to meet that need?
Get honest with yourself and let go of judging your needs. They might be different from others, and that’s okay. Honour your unique needs to show up as the best version of yourself.
In tiny pauses, I’ve realised I need to let myself cry instead of stuffing down painful feelings. It’s not weakness; it’s a precursor to feeling stronger. I need to get outside instead of isolating myself. And I’ve found the strength to speak up when mistreated, leaving an abusive relationship because I remembered I’m worthy of love and respect.
Honouring our needs is the number one way we show ourselves love. And knowing we’re worthy of love and respect is key to that!
