How have you been talking to yourself lately?
Would you say the same thing to your family or your bestie that you say to yourself? Absolutely NOT.
We all have an inner critic but it’s how we handle that critic that makes a difference.
When you say something like, “I’m not good at this,” you are expressing negative self-talk.
Sometimes, a little negative speak stops you from making an unwise or unsafe decision and keeps you motivated towards your goals – like when you get that gentle reminder that what you’re about to eat isn’t healthy or what you’re about to do is a really bad idea.
Most of the time, you are bashing yourself up for no reason whatsoever and being so mean to yourself when you get angry and say “I can’t do anything right!”.
That inner-critic voice may sound like a critical parent or friend from the past but it prevents you from reaching the success you desire and stops you from realizing your own full potential.
How Negative Self-Talk Holds You Back
Negative self-talk prevents you from seeing opportunities. It increases your stress, makes you lose your self-confidence and self-esteem and diminishes your ability to make positive changes in your life which in turn may affect your behaviour.
It may also manifest itself in these negative ways:
You believe things about yourself that are simply not true
When you keep repeating the same negative ideas, you start believing them. It can eventually make you believe that you are not good enough, or can’t do this or that and is very damaging because your thinking becomes limited, and so do your chances of success.
You believe that great is no longer good enough
You may find yourself picking apart your last project, looking for all those bits that didn’t go as planned. This may lead you to think only perfection will do, and since perfection is unattainable, you shouldn’t try. In contrast, you should be happy with a job well done.
You feel depressed
Too much negative talk can lead you down the path of depression which if left unchecked, can be very damaging.
Your relationships may suffer
Constantly living in a mind of self-deprecation can leech out into your relationships. Others may see you as needy and insecure. It can prevent open communication and a feeling of closeness because anything they say may be taken out of context or the wrong way by you.
How to Stop and Minimise the Negative Self-Talk
Practice can stop negative self-talk and calm the inner critic.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself
When the inner critic starts chattering, stop and listen. Then, pay attention to how you feel when the words are harsh.
Thoughts and feelings aren’t always the reality as they are skewed by your bias and the influence of your mood at that particular moment. Instead, think of your inner critic as a third person. This will allow you see how ridiculous and silly some of your thoughts really are.
Live in the moment
Reduce the chatter in your head by focusing on what you are doing now, not the stuff coming up. For example, if you are sipping a cup of hot tea, savour it, relish the flavour and the warmth of the cup in your hands.
Play devil’s advocate
As negative self-talk springs up, challenge the thoughts coming out. Ask yourself if the statement is true. Most likely, it is an exaggeration instead of the truth.
Swap out negative words with positive ones
Decrease the negativity in your everyday speech by actively using more favourable terms. For example, “I can’t stand this” becomes “This is challenging”, “I hate” becomes, “I don’t like”. When you start using gentle words instead of harsh and mean ones, you stop giving your inner critic negative power.
Think like your Best Friend
Remember, if you would not say these things to a child, a friend or family member, then, you shouldn’t be saying them to yourself.
Start being a friend to yourself.
When you start treating yourself as your friend, watch how that negative self-talk dissipates and shifts.
Start believing in Yourself
The more you say, “I can do this”, “I can conquer this”, you will start believing in yourself and create endless possibilities for yourself.
Change your Perspective
Ask yourself, will this really matter in 6 months, in a year, or 5 years down the line? It can change your whole thought process.
For example, my son decided to stay with his Dad an extra week during the holidays while I was out of the country. It really upset me, and made me angry but I questioned it
- Will this matter once I am home? No.
- Will this matter in 6 months? No.
- Will this affect my life in any way? No.
- Would I want to stay home alone on New Year's Eve? No.
That was the answer to my questions. It made me feel absolutely awful, guilty, and shameful for wanting to yell at him for staying an extra few days with his Dad.
His relationship with his Dad is just that, his relationship and I can’t judge it. It doesn’t affect me unless his father is being an ass. Then I can get involved but for now, my kid is happy and that’s all that matters.
Remember that your journey to success will move smoother when you beat back any negative self-talk that’s holding you back. Start replacing the negative with the positive.
I know how difficult it is to get out of this vicious cycle because I have been there. I tried it on my own and kept getting in my own way. In the end, I contacted my mentor who coached me through the negative self-talk.
If you are struggling, let me coach you and bring some sunshine into your life.
