Ah, the holidays. A time for family, tradition, and joy. When I think of the holiday season, I think of all the things I truly love: decorating my home, seeing the happiness those efforts bring my boys, enjoying holiday traditions we’ve created together, and spending quality time with them. These are the things I love about the Christmas season.
But, it’s not necessarily my reality. Holidays for me are effing tough. Why? Because I’m separated from my former spouse, and sharing my boys with him during the holidays can stir up feelings of jealousy, loneliness, sadness, and anger. Yes, they are adults now (my brats are 21 and 19), but it doesn’t matter whether they’re young or old. The feelings will still be there, sprouting out at the most unhelpful times. Separation and divorce can leave an entire family feeling raw and stripped of certainty and comfort. Going through menopause doesn’t help any of this either. In fact, it acts like a catalyst to a wretched state of Christmas despair. Ugh!
If you’re in my corner of the internet, you may be experiencing the same thing. Lucky for you, I’ve developed my skillset when it comes to surviving the Christmas season as a separated parent. I am going to tell you exactly how you, too, can survive (and thrive) during the holiday–through mindfulness, meditation, and taking a deep breath (or 10).
1. Question the stories you tell yourself
As you know, menopause can cause catastrophic thinking. In the past, when my boys have been with their father during Christmas, I would imagine how much fun they were having without me: cooking dinner, playing games, opening presents together. This story I told myself left me feeling isolated, alone, and resentful.
But, was it all necessarily true? I can’t know for certain, but probably not. It was a story I told myself, and I realised it was a story that was harming me. I responded to the story with negative emotions, and what good was that? It harmed no one except for me. It’s this mindless thinking that can wreak so much havoc on our poor hearts!
So, step into a state of mindfulness and ask yourself, “Are there stories I’m telling myself that aren’t serving me? Are they really even true?”
2. Focus on the good
I know, I keep coming back to the idea of gratitude, but it’s because it’s critical to overcoming adversity–whether in one’s family, when dealing with menopause, or when fighting the harmful thought patterns that plague our minds.
If you’re spending Christmas alone, and your kids are with your ex-partner, can you mindfully identify what might be good about that? For me, they have a father who loves them, who wants to spend the holidays with them. My boys have two parents who are alive, allowing them to experience double the love–without any loss. They are going to grow up understanding that if a relationship isn’t producing happiness for both parties, they can let each other go to experience happiness. It’s a hard and grueling lesson to learn, but I know it will make them both of my kids better partners and parents in the future.
What positive things can you identify about your family’s current situation?
3. Spend time honouring yourself
What are things you can do while you’re alone that help soothe your lonely heart? I recommend drawing a nice, warm Epsom salt bath (bonus points for Christmas-themed oils and herbs!), getting in with a good book, and practicing breathwork. An easy and simple way is to inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four. Repeat this step 10-20 times or until your heart feels a little lighter, a little softer, and a little more grounded.
Plus, a salt bath will ease your menopause symptoms–can’t get enough of that, now can we?! Even if you have hot flashes, the hot soothing water will ease them and take away any aches and pains. But be sure to bring the temperature to a level that suits you best.
4. Reach out
Now is the time for you to develop or maintain your own special community. Whether that is with a group of women you’ve known for years, a new group you met through your sewing class, or a person or two you met while at your last wine and paint night!
Making sure you have plans with friends and family while your kiddos are away will distract you from the catastrophic thinking, and you’ll successfully nourish your friendships. You might even have some friends or loved ones who are also experiencing loneliness this Christmas. It’s a win-win.
5. Flip the script
Understand the holidays are a time for peace, not a time for unrealistic expectations and standards that are impossible to uphold! Don’t make Christmas so big that you ruin them for everyone, including yourself.
What areas of this season can you practice a little more grace with yourself, with your kids, and even with your ex-partner?
Needing support this holiday season?
I’ve got you. I am a seasoned happiness coach, and I’ve successfully coached countless individuals in their quest towards more peace, joy, happiness, and gratitude. The holidays can be hard when you’re sharing your children and their time, and with the added stress of menopause–I can tell you, it isn’t easy. Let me help you survive (and thrive) throughout the year and well into the next!
