Self-sabotage is one of the most challenging things we face because it's so easy to fall into the trap of doing it.
We all have that little voice in our heads that tells us we can't do something or that we're not good enough. And sometimes, when we feel particularly vulnerable, we listen to those voices. We doubt ourselves and our abilities, and before we know it, we're sabotaging our own success.
Self-sabotage is one of the most challenging things we face because it's so easy to fall into the trap of doing it.
We all have that little voice in our heads that tells us we can't do something or that we're not good enough. And sometimes, when we feel particularly vulnerable, we listen to those voices. We doubt ourselves and our abilities, and before we know it, we're sabotaging our own success.
It's a vicious cycle, but luckily, there are ways to break out of it. It takes awareness and effort but changing how you think about yourself, and your abilities are possible. Once you do that, self-sabotage will become a thing of the past.
But, of course, there are so many areas of your life where you could be self-sabotaging. Perhaps you're fully aware of some of them, and some of them may never have crossed your mind.
This mini-guide is all about breaking it down so you get clarity and can move forward in the healthiest, happiest way possible!
My History of Self-Sabotage
I know it's easy to read a blog like this and think, 'yeah, yeah, yeah, you're just reeling off some top tips that I'm now going to skim through and maybe take on board,' but that's just not the case.
My history with self-sabotage has been a long and painful one, especially when it comes to relationships. To express myself and open up to the world, to become vulnerable, I wanted to take this time to share my experiences.
Recognize that we're in this together, and we're not alone, no matter how lonely it feels.
From a very young age, I had seen so many women in my own extended family and our close circles of friends being mentally and physically abused and bullied.
I don't think I was really aware of the impact this had until I was a bit older.
I never wanted to be that person, so I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me in any way. I never really did give my all because the distance was safe. It was better than being hit, raped, or treated like a piece of shit.
While I was firm in the belief that nothing could hurt me, I was hurting deep down, and who wouldn't with all of this weight on their shoulders?
I had relationships, but it was hollow, in a sense. I wasn't myself, and all this pain and trauma kept coming up. I experienced painful, toxic relationships. Almost as though history was repeating itself. Almost manifested.
The very thing I feared kept coming up, whether in my relationships or in my head and my heart.
I got married, but again, this trauma followed me wherever I went, and this fear of falling into these bad situations kept me self-sabotaging.
The trauma all surfaced to a peak when I finally left my marriage.
I got fed up being blamed for everything that went wrong in our lives.
It has taken me years to come to terms with this, and I realize I need to talk to someone who can help stop the self-sabotage and open myself up to honest and trusting relationships again.
Self-sabotage often appears in relationships like this because of trauma or fear.
I honestly didn't know I was doing it until I started journaling. When this happened, I noticed a pattern in behavior and what was causing my own self-sabotage. I had trust issues because I didn't want to get hurt ÔÇô the underlying factor, in my case, was FEAR.
Fear of failure, intimacy, commitment.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Before we get into how to break the cycle of self-sabotage, it's important to understand why we do it in the first place. After all, if we know the root cause, we can address it more effectively.
People self-sabotage for many reasons, but one of the most common is a lack of self-confidence. When we doubt our abilities or feel like we're not good enough, it's only natural that we would try to hold ourselves back.
We don't want to fail, so we find ways to ensure that we don't even try. We tell ourselves that we can't do something or are not good enough, and we believe it. As a result, we never even give ourselves a chance to succeed.
This all comes down to fear.
We're afraid of failing or so afraid of our worst fears coming true, so we self-sabotage to protect ourselves.
But, of course, this is only a short-term solution.
In the long run, it always does more harm than good.
How To Break The Cycle Of Self-Sabotage
Now that we know why we self-sabotage, it's time to learn how to break the cycle. Remember, this won't happen overnight. It takes time, effort, and a lot of self-reflection. But, if you're willing to put in the work, it is possible to change how you think and feel about yourself.
It depends on where you're self-sabotaging in your life and the root cause. But, some general tips and tricks can help you start moving in the right direction.
Practice Self Compassion
Self-compassion is like a superpower. It's the ability to show yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would show to a friend. And, when it comes to self-sabotage, it can be incredibly effective.
If you're constantly putting yourself down and doubting your abilities, start practicing self-compassion instead. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. Be understanding and forgiving. Tell yourself that it's okay to make mistakes and that you're still worthy of love and respect, even if you don't achieve everything you set out to do.
This means being kinder to yourself when you make mistakes and when things don't go according to plan. We're all human, and we all have flaws. It's important to remember that and to cut yourself some slack.
This may sound silly, but it can really help to change your mindset. Believing in yourself and your abilities becomes easier when you start treating yourself with compassion.
Set boundaries
One of the best ways to protect yourself from self-sabotage is to set boundaries. This could mean setting limits on how much you're willing to work or saying no to commitments that you know will be too much for you.
It could also mean setting boundaries in your relationships and only spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself.
It's all about knowing your limits and respecting yourself enough to stick to them. When you start setting boundaries, you'll feel more in control of your life. And as a result, you'll be less likely to self-sabotage.
Build A Support System
Having a strong support system is essential for anyone, but it's especially important if you're trying to break the cycle of self-sabotage. When you have people in your life who believe in you and want to see you succeed, it makes a big difference.
If you don't have a lot of supportive people in your life, there are other ways to get the support you need. There are plenty of online communities and forums where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through.
You could also consider seeing a therapist or counselor. Talking to someone who is impartial and objective can be really helpful. They can offer you guidance and support and help you to see things from a different perspective.
Set Realistic Goals
The key word here being REALISTIC!
I've lost count of how many times I've set myself unrealistic goals, only to end up feeling disappointed and frustrated when I don't achieve them. And, of course, this leads to self-sabotage.
If you're constantly setting yourself up for failure, it's no wonder you're struggling to break the cycle of self-sabotage. So, instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, set realistic goals that you know you can achieve.
And, when you do achieve your goals, celebrate! Give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy the sense of accomplishment. It doesn't matter what it is - losing 2lbs this week, have that glass of wine you love. This will help to boost your confidence and make it easier to believe in yourself.
Stop being regimental!
Be Patient
Changing the way you think and feel about yourself is a process. It takes time, and there will be setbacks along the way. But, as long as you're moving in the right direction, that's all that matters.
So, be patient with yourself. Give yourself credit for your progress, even if it doesn't seem like much. And, if you do happen to slip up, don't beat yourself up about it. Just pick yourself up and keep going.
Calm Your Negative Self Talk
We all have that little voice in our head that likes to point out our flaws and tell us we're not good enough. If you want to break the cycle of self-sabotage, it's important to learn how to calm your negative self-talk.
The first step is to become aware of the thoughts that are running through your head. Once you're aware of them, you can start to challenge and reframe them.
For example, if you're thinking, "I'm such a failure," ask yourself, "What evidence do I have to support that?" Chances are, you'll find that there is no evidence. And, even if there is some evidence, it's probably not as bad as you think.
Once you start reframing your negative thoughts, you'll find it easier to believe in yourself and your abilities. And as a result, you'll be less likely to self-sabotage.
Getting Other Support
If you really want to overcome your fears and stop self-sabotaging, then the chances are you will need guidance from someone who knows what they're doing. These people can act as a mentor that can help you identify where your issues are and what answers are available to you.
A life coach, like myself, can often help you by guiding your focus to the positives and may use mindful techniques to help move you in the direction you want to go.
Other times, especially in very traumatic situations, you might find that counseling or talking to a mental health professional might go a long way in overcoming struggles with self-sabotage and the roots of these problems.
It's common for those self-sabotaging to:
- Ignore negative emotions
- Be critical of those closest to them
- Be snappy with family members
- Hold grudges and find it hard to let things go
- Focus on bad times rather than the good
Identifying which of these behaviors you are most likely to see in yourself can be a great help and can help to open up communication channels between yourself and those closest to you.
However, noticing them on your own can be a struggle, which is why you'll use the guidance of a mentor.
This makes it easier to discuss why you're feeling the way you are feeling, and they can better understand why you are exhibiting some behaviors that can be upsetting for those around you.
Over to you
Breaking the cycle of self-sabotage is tough, but it's not impossible. By following these tips, you'll be well on your way to a better life. So, don't give up, and believe in yourself. You can do this!
If you enjoyed this blog post, please share it with others who might find it helpful. And, if you have any tips to add, please leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you!
Thanks for reading! :)
Want to speak to a life coach about how you can inject some positivity into your life and manage feelings that get in the way of success? Get in touch today, and we can look at ways to approach positivity in a mindful and useful way.
