In the tapestry of life, we often find ourselves entwined in the delicate threads of love, believing it to be the ultimate elixir of joy. Once, I frolicked through existence with the confidence of a sunflower basking in the warm embrace of the sun. My laughter echoed like a melody, resonating within the corridors of my heart. Yet, fate had its own plans, leading me to encounter him—the enigmatic figure draped in allure, whose siren call beckoned me into a whirlwind of emotions.
Narcissism and Gaslighting Unveiled:
The Toxic Tango
Our journey began like a tantalizing tango, where his eyes held promises of entire galaxies, and his words wove intricate constellations of affection. Yet, beneath the shimmering facade lay a darkness—a void that devoured morsels of my self-worth with each passing day. The dance turned toxic, and I found myself stumbling, my once-confident strides faltering in uncertainty.
The Guilt Waltz
His whispers became a haunting refrain, comparing me to ethereal beings who existed solely in the recesses of his imagination. Guilt draped itself around me like a heavy cloak, suffocating my spirit. Every action, every expression was scrutinized, leaving me to question my very essence. Was I enough?
The Lost Foxtrot
“You’re nothing without me,” his words would echo, a venomous dagger piercing through the fabric of my identity. I began to fade into the background, my passions dimming like stars in the twilight. Lost within the labyrinth of his ego, the vibrant hues of my soul dulled into shades of gray.
The Shame Samba
“Don’t embarrass me,” he'd hiss, snuffing out the flickering flames of my aspirations whenever they dared to ignite. I concealed my dreams, my quirks, my essence, fearing the judgment that loomed like a specter. Shame wrapped its tendrils around me, whispering tales of inadequacy and unworthiness.
The Awakening
Yet, amidst the suffocating darkness, a glimmer of light pierced through the shadows. As the moon wept silver tears, I caught a glimpse of my reflection—a fractured mosaic of the person I once was. In that moment of clarity, the truth unfurled before me like a blossoming flower—I deserved more. I deserved love that uplifted, not one that sought to diminish.
The Exit Strategy
Summoning every ounce of courage, I packed my dreams and aspirations into a metaphorical suitcase, bidding farewell to the toxicity that once ensnared me. As the door closed behind me, the echoes of his rage faded into the distance. With each step forward, I tasted the sweet nectar of liberation, a bittersweet symphony of relief and sorrow.
Reclaiming My Throne
The road to self-discovery was fraught with challenges, every obstacle a testament to my resilience. Through the labyrinth of shattered illusions, I danced—sometimes a waltz, sometimes a cha-cha—reclaiming the fragments of my laughter, my dreams, my audacity.
The Triumph Tango
Rupi Kaur’s words echoed within the chambers of my heart, resonating with the truth I had long denied. Love isn’t a sacrifice; it’s a celebration of the self. With each stroke of resilience, I painted my canvas anew, weaving the scars of my 
past into constellations of strength.
A Friend’s Gift: “Recover from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency, and Complex PTSD”
In the depths of despair, a beacon of hope emerged—a dear friend extending a lifeline in the form of a book. “Recover from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency, and Complex PTSD” became my guiding light, illuminating the path back to the person I was twenty-seven years ago.
Multiple Relationships, One Healing Journey
This journey isn’t singular; it’s a tapestry woven from the threads of multiple relationships. Recognizing the patterns that bound me to toxicity, I embarked on a quest for complete healing. Before inviting love back into my life, I resolved to mend the fractures within my soul. Though the road may be long, I find solace in the embrace of self-love.
Navigating Intimacy: A Different Dance
Intimacy used to feel like following a rulebook, but now it's become my own personal journey of growth and strength. I've let go of what society says love should be and embraced what feels right for me. Menopause threw some unexpected challenges my way, but it also opened doors to rediscovering my passions and desires.
The Emotional Journey
Under the soft light of the moon, I learned that intimacy isn't just about physical closeness—it's about sharing emotions and creating a genuine connection. Each moment spent with a loved one became a beautiful melody, free from the pressure of societal expectations.
The Liberating Waltz
I used to stress over meeting my partners’ and society's standards for my body, but I've learned to love and appreciate every curve and line that tells the story of my life. Even though menopause brought changes like weight gain, I've found acceptance and strength in embracing my body as it is. Yes, I would love to shed the menopause weight but I want to do it in a healthy way and not because I’m under pressure from a tyrant!
Dealing with Hurtful Words
The journey through menopause was anything but graceful. My body, once familiar, became a battleground for hormonal upheaval. Weight gain seemed inevitable, despite my best efforts to defy it through increased cardio and dietary adjustments. The mirror, once a friend, now reflected a stranger—a distorted image that mocked me with its unfamiliarity.
Menopause wasn't just about physical changes—it brought emotional struggles too. Hurtful words like "FAT COW" from my ex-partner cut deep, the impact of body shaming are still engraved into my consciousness, poisoning my self-esteem and distorting my relationship with food, diet, and appearance.. Each day felt like a battle against negativity, but I refused to let it define me.
I loathed the reflection staring back at me, and with each passing day, resentment towards both my body and the person who inflicted this pain grew.
The Self-Discovery Tango
In moments of solitude, I discovered the power within me. I traced the scars and stories on my skin, honouring the resilience that carried me through tough times. Even with menopausal mood swings and relationship struggles, I found strength in embracing my journey of self-discovery.
Questioning Expectations
As the waves of menopausal mood swings crashed over me, I struggled to recognize the woman I once was. Hormonal changes magnified every insecurity, amplifying the power within my relationship, I was not an equal partner, I became a thing to be controlled! "Bhupi, you should be so grateful," he would say, his words dripping with superiority. "I don't drink, I don't party with my friends, I don't gamble. I am perfect!"
In the depths of my despair, I wondered if he should experience life outside his comfort zone too. Maybe then, he'd understand the importance of mutual respect, acceptance, and what it means to be alive!
A New Choreography
Despite the challenges, I stand tall with unwavering courage. Like a sunflower, I bloom anew, rooted in the belief that I am worthy of love and respect. To my unnamed champions — my family, friends, and kindred spirits - I am forever grateful for their unwavering support. And as I continue on this journey, I know that each step brings me closer to a life filled with self-love and fulfillment.
Remember: Leaving isn't surrender or giving up; it's a testament to the strength we hold within ourselves!
